His Day Just Got Cullenized
by EmotionallyConfuzzled
Summary: Alice sees Charlie coming over early for a visit...and her and Emmett get an idea. They give Charlie a walk-through of daily life in the Cullen house-hold! Includes waking up Edward and Bella, Emmett's innuendos, and more! Post BD, very funny. Please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I hope this is atleast the tiniest bit amusing. Rememeber to review and check out my other stories!

Alice sees Charlie coming over early for a visit...and her and Emmett get an idea. They give Charlie a walk-through of daily life in the Cullen house-hold! Includes waking up Edward and Bella, Emmett's innuendos, getting to know everyone better, and more! Post BD, very funny.

Em POV

Brilliant. That's what this was. Freaking brilliant.  
Alice had seen Charlie coming over early in the morning to visit, so of course I had to plan something. My idea :Walk him through a day in the Cullen household. It was going to be so awesome! Alice is going to help me.....Charlie was coming in about 30 minutes.....I couldn't wait.  
"Alice, when is he getting here?" I whined as she paced back and forth.

"Emmett, shut up! he'll be here soon. Now lets go over this again...We are going to take Charlie to Edward and Bella's cottage and Edward will be so caught up in whatever they're doing...." She stopped to shudder. "That he won't be reading our minds...and our ulterior motive is?" She asked me.  
"Embarrass Bella and Eddie!" I said eagerly. It was going to be just so much fun....I hoped they were decent. They're going to have to pretend to be sleeping if they don't want Charlie to get suspicious.

"Right. This is going to be so much fun!" She squealed as she jumped up and down.

"You know it is!" Jacob popped up out of nowhere. It kind of freaked me out, and I kind of yelped...

"Jake! You want to join us? You know what we're doing?" Alice asked.

"Yep, I was listening. So basically, you guys are trying to embarrass Bells and Edward?"

"Exactly." I said. "We're going to go into their room with Charlie, and let Bella freak out a bit, then we're going to show Charlie around the house, and then we're going to take him through a day in the life of the Cullens!"

"Sweet. This sounds like fun." He replied.

"Yes. Yes it does."

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

I had to mentally tell Edward to pretend to sleep. I didn't tell him why though, so him and Bela were clueless...right then I heard the door ring. I jumped up.  
"I got it!" I hurried over to the front door. I opened it, and saw Charlie standing there looking sheepish. He was too much like Bella...

"Charlie! Come in, come in. Sorry it's so quiet in here, I think everyones sleeping." Ha.

He looked guilty. "Sorry for coming over so early. Being a fisher, I sometimes get up earlier than everyone else."

"Oh no, thats okay. Everyone here is an early riser...except Jacob and Edward...those two take forever to get up." This was fun!  
"Really?" He wondered out loud.

"Hi Charlie!" Alice came bouncing in from the kitchen. "Would you like something to eat? Drink?"

"Hey Alice!" I don't get why he liked her so much... "No, thats fine, I had some pop tarts on the way over here...Bella left a couple of boxes when she moved out..." He trailed off.

Alice scoffed "Don't be silly Chalie, we have real food here. Not that junk that Bella eats." She danced off toward the kitchen.

I inched closer to Charlie on the couch. "So...Charlie....would you like to come wake up Bella and Edward with us?" Our plan lifted off.  
He gave me a wierd face. "What do you mean?"  
"We go and wake up them up sometimes, it's really funny." Edward and Bella like to pretend to sleep sometimes...and they don't notice anything else except eachother. This would be easy.  
Um...sure?" He said uncertainly....hmmm, well at least he was coming with us.  
Alice came in the room with sausage, eggs, bacon, and those waffle things on a big plate. "Here you go Charlie! If you want more feel free to ask." She set the huge plate down on our new cofee table (Bella: Why do we need a coffee table? We don't even drink coffee!) as Charlie stared at it in amazement. "You really out did your self Alice." He said as he took a bite of some bacon. /  
We had to wait a while for Charlie to finish him food, but the minute he did I jumped up "Okay! It's time to go wake up Bells and Eddie!" Charlie snorted when I said Eddie.

"Emmett, you know he hates when anyone calls him that." Alice, Alice.  
"Yes, but I am not anyone. I am his older brother, and therefore I have the right to call him annoying nicknames." I rest my case. Charlie looked at us in amazement. I wondered what was so amazing about our family....well, except for us being vampires of course. But Charlie didn't need to know that.

"Onward!" I whisper yelled. Charlie started to turn toward the stairs. Ha, he thought they lived in the house...Wrong! "Charlie, they don't live here at the moment." He looked at me, his face contorted in confusion. "Why?"

What was I suposed to tell him? They're too busy doing the do and they'd break the walls?

"They're too loud at night." That was good enough. And it embarrased both of them! Yay!  
Charlie's face went red. Oh, I see where Bella got her blushing from.  
"Well, where do they live?"

"Esme restored a cottage in the woods for them. They can move back in when they get less noisy... " I smirked. Bella was going to be so mad at me, but it was worth it!

Alice and I lead Charlie to the the back yard, which he had never seen. It was basically a huge opening that had a river, and lead to the forest. I guess it was big for humans, because Charlie was staring. It took about 10 minutes to get to the cottage, because sadly we couldn't use our vampire speed. We arrived to the little house, and Charlie's eyes went wide.

"Wow. This does seem very Bella-like." He said as we opened the door.

"Aren't you going to knock?" He asked Alice with a wierd look. She giggled. "Charlie, we're going to go wake them up, and we can come in any time we want." She skipped inside. I followed aftr her, and Charlie came in after me. He looked around and seemed to approve.

"Hey Charlie!" Jake popped out of the kitchen. Godammit. He needs to stop doing that, he made me yelp again. But this time Charlie yelped too. "Jake! Wha are you doing here?"  
Jacob rolled his eyes. "I'm rading the fridge and waiting for Bella to get up so she'll cook for me and Nessie." It was normal for us, but I guess this might have been wierd for Charlie.  
Charlie just shook his head.

"Follow me!" Alice said as she skipped up the tiny stairs. We got to Edward and Bella's room, and I was mentally telling Edward to pretend to be asleep. He still didn't know about Charlie being here, and he and Bella probably weren't decent. Thats what I was hoping.

Alice pushed open the door, and had one of those blow horn things that REALLY hurt your ears. Especially vampires with super-hearing.

"Everyone cover your ears." Alice said. I looked toward the bed. Edward was shirtless (score!) and maybe even pantles. Half of him was under the covers. Bella was....shirtless? Ewww!  
But she had a bra on, so it was okay....I was scared there for a second. Edward would have killed me if I said Bella was hot. Bella was latched onto Edward's arm like a leech (pun intended)  
and her leg was hitched over his waist. Man, she was flexible! I looked over to Charlie and his eyes were wide. And he was red. Oh my god, this was so worth getting yelled at later!

HHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I was going to die from laughter! You should have seen Bella jump! She went at least a foot in the air! "EMMETT!" She yelled. She hadn't even seen who it was yet...I'm hurt.

"Emmett, I am going to kill you!" She said as she jumped out of the bed. I glanced at Edward. He had brought the covers up to his neck the second he heard the air horn. Ha!  
We had surprised the unsurprisable Edward! He brought his hand up to his face to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Ugh! You suck Emmett. Seriosuly. I'm going to get you later." Bella whisper-yelled.

"Bells, you might want to put on a shirt." I said to her, smirking. Her eyes got wide. And they got even wider when she noticed Charlie standing right beside me. "Charlie?! Dad! What are you doing here!" She said as she snatched the whole blanket off the bed to cover herself. Bad move Bella, Edward was pantsless. Wellm, stleast he has some black boxers on. This was just getting better and better!

Bella looked even more embarrased. "Edward, go put some pants on!" She turned to him. He looked back at her. "You go put a shirt on!" He replied.

I looked toward Charlie, Alice, and Jacob. "This is even funnier than last time, huh Alice?" I said to her. "Yeah it is!" Charlie was just staring at Edward and Bella. "Heads up Edward!" Alice yelled as she threw him some black pants. he caught them and quickly put them on. Then he got up and thre Bella a shirt and some shorts. Bella turned toward us. "Okay...We're up. Thank you for that lovely awakening. Now what do you want?"

"Nothing my dear sister. We just wanted to show Charlie how we wake you guys up sometimes. Oh, and Jake was hungry. AND Nessie's probably getting up soon."  
Bella glared at me, then turned to Charlie.  
"So....What are you doing here Charlie? Not that I object, I'm just wondering." She had gotten her contacts in before Charlie had noticed anything.

"I was just coming over for a visit...then Emmett told me that him and Alice were going to go wake you guys up, and they said I should come...then Jake appeared out of nowhere from the kitchen and he joined us too." Charlie shifted his weight to his other foot.

"We're giving Charlie a walk-through of a day in the life of a Cullen." I said proudly, as Bella glared daggers at me.

Bella looked a little less annoyed. "Well Charlie, I warn you, our days have been pretty boring. They have been repeating themselves and they will continue to until we go to Dartmouth."  
Thats what the story was. The whole family was moving to NEw Hampshire in about 6 months and Edward, Bella, and Alice were going to go to Dartmouth there. Charlie chose to ignore the fact that me, Rose, and Jasper were supposed to be attending college out of the state...

"Thats okay Bells. What exactly do you guys do all day?" We did a lot of stuff...it just didn't seem like a lot to a human, because they don't have infinity to do it.

Bella stared into space for a couple of seconds then looked back. "I don't know. I guess we do whatever Renesmee wants to do." Thats right! Nessie always had something she wanted to do. Whether it was play outside or go to Disneyland, we would do it.

"Well I guess we should go back to the house then...I'll go get Ne- Renesmee." Edward said, barely catching his mess up... He slipped out of the room.

We went into the living room, and waited for Edward. He came down with Nessie still half-asleep latched onto his neck. It was still wierd associating Edward with father...especially since he was physically the youngest out of all of us. But Nessie was definetely his.

We walked back to the house, and by the time we got there Charlie was panting. We weren't even running...We went and sat down in he living room. Esme was sketching something in her notebook. "Oh! Hello Charlie! I didn't know you were her. Make yourself comfortable. Carlisle just went to work." She hurried about, fluffing pillows, and doing other "mom stuff".;  
"Thank you Esme. I came over to visit and Alice and Emmett took me to go wake up Bella and Edward." Esme threw a glance toward me and Alice.

Edward set Nessie down and looked at her. She had woken up by now. Jake sat right next to him.

"So Nessie, what do you want to do?" Jake asked. She thought about it for a second then pointed toward the piano. She knew she couldn't talk fluent sentences with Charlie around, and she couldn't use her gift either, so she settled for pointing and small sentences. Bella spoke up. "You want Daddy to play for you?"

She nodded vigorously. Esme got up. "I'm going to go make breakfast for anybody who wants it." Bella got up too. "I'll help!" They scurried off into the kitchen.  
Edward picked up Nessie and walked over to the piano. "You play the piano Edward?" Charlie asked. I'm surprised he didn't already know.

"Yep." He said as he sat down with Nessie next to him. "Any requests?"

"Can you play Bella's Lullaby?" Alice chriped. That was her favorite song that Edward had composed. Edward smiled. "Of course." Charlie looked shocked.

"You wrote Bella her own song?"

I leaned my head to the side. "Isn't it just romantic?" I sighed, batting my eyelashes. Everyone laughed, and Rose glared at me. "Yeah Emmett, you should write song for me." Damn.  
Jasper snickered. "Edward Anthony Masen Cullen: Raising the standards for men all over America." That was our Edward. We never knew he would turn out to be the lovey dovey one.  
Edward glared at me. Stay out of my head you freak! You know, Charlie shure doesn't know a lot of stuff about you. He nodded and rolled his eyes.

"When did you write it?" Charlie asked. I think he was expecting an answer like "Last year" or "A couple months ago".

"April 8th, in my car ,the day Bella passed out in in biology while they were blood typing." He said, without looking away from the keys. Alice started laughing and Bella came into the room.  
"Really? That's when you wrote it?" she asked, looking bewildered.

"Yep. Rememeber? I was in my car waiting out Biology when I saw Newton drag you onto the sidealk. I thought he had murdered you." He laughed without humour.  
Bella grimaced and went back itno the kitchen.

Apparently, Charie went into cop mode. "You "waited out biology' Edward? So you ditched class?" Edward was in for it. Oh my god, was this fun or what?  
Edward stopped playing for a second. He thought about something for a second.

"I faint at the sight of blood, so I skipped the bloodtyping." Edward looked embarased, probably because he had just admitted he faints like a girl when he sees blood to his father-in-law.

Charlie tried to hide a snicker.

A/N: This was originally going to be a one-shot. BUT It's not over, just because I have to stop typing. Like, right now. I'm not going to have this laptop for MONTHS AND MONTHS. So I have to submit this right now. Right now. Remember to review! I might update faster.  
And tell me any ideas you have about what situations the Cullens and Charlie will have to deal with. In a review please! 


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I really should be updating my other stories…but I love this one so much. :D Feel free to suggest any ideas or anything that you think should be put in the story. I luffles making you guys happy!**

**And it makes me happy to see my stories improving, so review review review!**

Edward finished the lullaby, lingering on the last note…it was a pretty cool and complex song, and Charlie looked a little shocked.

"So…you wrote that?" He asked.

I could see Edward struggling not to roll his eyes at his father-in-law.

"Yes."

"When did you start playing the piano?" He wondered.

Edward eyes widened for a second, probably realizing he was about to say 'Oh, maybe 90 years ago? Or was it 85?'

He just started to say something when Esme came to the rescue.

"I taught him when he was seven." She said quickly. I thought she was in the kitchen...crazy, sneaky mom…

Nessie smiled. "And daddy's teaching me!" Ha, Ness wasn't supposed to sound that complex! I loved making things akward for my lovely brother and sister…

Edward mumbled 'Need to know…" and asked Renesmee what she wanted to do now.

"Sing! Mama, and you, and Auntie Alice, And Auntie Rose, And Uncle Emmett, And Uncle Jasper, and everyone, and-" Alice had a machine out already, just as Nessie was going to keep on listing everyone.

She squealed and hopped off the piano bench.

"I choose! I get to choose!" She whined. To demonstrate her mother's stubbornness to Charlie, I decided to butt in.

"Sorry Nessie, I'm gonna choose." I said, smiling evily. I'd hate to be Edward and Bella when she gets to her teens…Bella's stubbornness, along with Edward's temper and anger issues? It will not be a pretty site.

She frowned at me.

"Uncle Emmett, don't be a dork head. I'm choosing, and that's _final_." A dork-head! This girl had 'Edward' written all over her!

It seemed she forgot all about acting like a good, little, non-sentence-forming toddler. Everyone else seemed to forget too, except Charlie who looked a little surprised.

I playfully scowled.

"_Edwaaard_!" I whined. "You're daughters being like _youuuuu_." I pouted.

Charlie looked a bit uncomfortable. But when did he not?

"And?" He so brilliantly replied.

"And aren't you gonna do something about it?"

"No."

"Ugh!" I shouted into the air. Everyone else knew I was playing, but I wonder if Charlie did…

Nessie frowned at me again. "Uncle Em, just for that, I'm gonna pick a horrible song for you to sing." This child was evil!

Everyone laughed as she scanned the living room for someone to call on.

"Momma! I want you to sing!" Bella's eyes went wide, but she attempted to smile.

"Okay…" She said, getting up.

Nessie whispered something in Alice's ear, which I couldn't hear. A huge grin lit up on her face, and then she bust out laughing.

Alice typed something in the machine, not even bothering to conceal her giggles.

Bella took the mic, and froze when she saw the words on the screen. Then she scowled at Alice and started to sing.

By the time she was done, I was booming with laughter. Alice was giggling, and everyone else was quietly laughing.

Bella grimaced.

"That wasn't funny." She said, sticking her tongue out as Alice.

"It was hilarious, and you know it."

"Uck."

Edward laughed and pulled Bella by her waist to the loveseat, and wrapped his arms around her. He kissed her nose-ew. Way too lovey- and kept her in an iron grip.

A throat cleared very loudly, and surprisingly, it wasn't Charlie!

Everyone looked toward where the sound came from. Nessie was standing in front of the karaoke machine, tapping her foot. She most obviously got that from Edward. Everyone started laughing.

Then she reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose. Oh. My. Carlisle. This was

perfect for my plan! Not my 'embarrass Edward and Bella one' but my 'show Charlie the similarities between Nessie and her father' one.

I quickly took out a camera and snapped one of her in that position.

I stood up very suddenly. "_Ha ha!_" I shouted. I ran upstairs (as fast as a 'human' could) and plugged this into my laptop. I quickly downloaded about 30 pictures of Edward pinching his nose that I took when I was bored, and one of Nessie doing the exact same thing!

I ran downstairs. Everyone was just sitting there, still in a daze from my sudden withdrawal from the room.

I held up two big pictures right next to each other. Everyone eyes were confused.

"Do you _see_ this?! They look the exact same!" I frantically waved the pictures in the air. They really did. Edward was leaning against the kitchen doorframe, and you couldn't see his eyes because his total bed-head hair was in them. Nessie looked almost the exact same, except she was leaning against the karaoke machine and her hair wasn't naturally messy. To sum it up, there were two figures, with bronze hair, pinching their noses.

Real Edward started laughing.

"Emmett…ha, that's what you do in your spare time? Take pictures of me being annoyed or frustrated?" He made it sound like it was weird…

"That's because it is weird." He replied to my thoughts, but quickly remembered Charlie was here.

Charlie's face was kind of wierded out.

"How'd you-?"

"Emmett's easy to read." Edward reasoned. Charlie just nodded.

Renesmee cleared her throat again.

"Daddy, you're singing next." That wiped the smirk off of his face..

He slowly got up and asked what song he was singing.

"A Death Cab for Cutie song." She said, as Alice put it in the karaoke machine.

I realized something. "Indie rock! She even listens to the same music as him!" I threw my head back. "How can this be?!"

Edward's eyebrows furrowed.

"Shut up Emmett."

"It's brainwash, I tell you!" I got comfy to watch Edward sing.

He looked at the lyrics and his eyes widened a bit.

_Love of mine_

_Someday you will die_

_And I'll be close behind_

_I'll follow you, into the dark_

_No blinding light_

_No tunnels or gates of white_

_Just our hands clasped so tight_

_Waiting for, the hint of a spark…._

_If heaven and hell decide, that they both are satisfied;_

_Illuminate the 'No's on their vacancy signs,_

_If there's no one beside you, when your soul embarks_

_Then I'll follow you into the dark_

_In catholic school_

_As vicious as roman rule_

_I got my knuckles bruised_

_By a lady in black_

_I held my tongue_

_As she told me "Son_

_fear is the heart of love"_

_So I never went back_

_If heaven and hell decide_

_That they both are satisfied_

_Illuminate the 'No's on their vacancy signs_

_If there's no one beside you, when your soul embarks_

_Then I'll follow you into the dark_

_You and me, have seen everything to see_

_From Bangkok to Calvary_

_And the sole's of your shoes_

_Are all worn down_

_The time for sleep is now_

_There's nothing to cry about_

'_Cause we'll hold each other soon_

_In the darkest of rooms_

_If heaven and hell decide_

_That they both are satisfied_

_Illuminate the 'No's on the vacancy signs_

_If there's no one beside you, when your soul embarks_

_Then I'll follow you into the dark_

_I'll follow you into the dark_

Wow. That was a bit depressing.

Esme almost lost it. She ran to hug Edward.

"Edward don't you ever pull a stunt like last time ever again! You hear me? You would be…grounded! For the rest of eternity! I'm not kidding!" She said, sniffling, with her head buried in his chest.

Edward smiled.

"I would never try it Esme. I wouldn't want to risk being grounded." He smirked.

Charlie looked confused. I think somewhere in this day at our house, we had stopped acting human, because all the emotions Charlie had shown were: Shocked, surprised, amazed, and confused.

"What are you guys talking about? What stunt did Edward pull? When?" He questioned. Gosh, he was just like Bella. So curious.

"Err," Carlisle started "Well, you see, when we left Forks…" Charlie and Bella winced.

"Well Charlie, Edward wasn't happy being away either. In fact, none of us could even stand to be in the same house as him, much less the same room. He was downright depressing to be around." Charlie was listening to Carlisle with skepticism, while Edward frowning.

"I wasn't that bad…" He muttered. No one paid attention to him.

"Well, when Alice got wind of Bella cliff diving, she told the family. Edward, of course, wasn't at home. Rosalie called Edward and…sort of made it sound like Bella jumped off of a cliff to kill herself." Rosalie looked down at the floor. She still felt guilty about that. She wasn't exactly a perfect angel, but she was _my_ angel.

"Well, supposedly Edward turned his phone off-"He started again, but Edward cut him off.

"Actually I threw it in some random dumpster."

Carlisle threw a weird look at him. "It's probably still there."

"Well anyway, Edward _threw away his phone_ and, uh…tried to…pull a Romeo." He tried to explain, as delicately as possible.

Charlie just kept on with the same face. Oh! He's never read or seen Romeo & Juliet!

Carlisle saw this and sighed. "He tried to kill himself, Charlie."

Edward hit a wrong note on the piano. That was odd…he rarely messed up.

Charlie looked beyond shocked and surprised. He was… shoprised.

"W-w-what? Like, _kill_? Like, _suicide_?" He managed to stutter out.

Carlisle winced. "It's a sore subject in our house, as you can tell."

Charlie looked toward Bella. "Bella, you never told me that. All you said is Alice dragged you to L.A to tell Edward you were alive."

Bella looked sheepish. "Yes dad, that is sort of why we went."

"But most of the reason they went was to keep my little bro from ending it!" I said happily

Charlie blanched and looked at Edward who seemed otherwise absorbed in his piano keys. You could only tune the piano so many times before people start to become suspicious.

"Is that true Edward?" He asked, eyes wide. Today was so fun…I loved putting my brother on the spot

He stopped playing for a second.

"I couldn't have lived in a world where Bella wasn't alive. There was only one solution. It was actually one of the easiest decisions I've had to make in my life." He said with ease. My crazy brother.

Esme whacked his head.

"_That's because you weren't thinking!_" She scolded him. Carlisle laughed.

I walked over to Edward.

"Aw, Ed. You're my brother and I love you for being such a strange, weird, complicated, short-tempered, melodramatic, hard-headed, over thinking, human being." I gave him a bear-hug.

He gave me a weird look.

"Um, thank you?"

I laughed.

"Okay everyone! This is 'Question Edward and Bella about Anything' Time! It is a game. Whoever can come up with the best questions wins!" This was so exciting!

Everyone cheered (except two certain people…). Alice's hand shot up. I called on her.

"What shampoo do you use Edward?" Leave it to Alice to ask a question like this.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Bed-Head." Wow, I didn't know that!

Everone 'oohed' and 'aahed'. I called on my angel next.

"About how stubborn are you Bella?" Leave it to Rose.

Edward answered for her. "She's stubborn as a mule. Next question." It seems Eddieboy just wanted to get these questions over with.

I called on Jasper next.

"Exactly how short _is_ your temper, Edward?" He asked, well knowing of the answer.

"You want to find out?" Edward glared at him.

"Well that answers the question." Charlie mutter to himself, unknowing of our excellent hearing.

Everyone started laughing.

**A/N: You guys should tell me in a review what question you want someone to ask! Remember, the whole point of Emmett and Alice's little walk-through is 1. Embarrass Edward and Bella 2. Get Charlie knowing the family more and 3. Get Charlie comfortable being around vampires! Even though he doesn't know they're vampires….But he's pretty sure they're not human.**

**Review for ideas and suggestions. If you want to know whats going to happen in the next chapter, you can ask in a review. If you don't want to know, don't ask!**

**Review!**

**Por favor 'review, senoritas? **

**Sorry, I have absolutely no idea how to speak spanish XD**


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: More question Edward and Bella time! I use a song in this chapter, and I DIDN'T COME UP WITH IT. It's from 'The Twilight Musical'. You can watch The Twilight Musical on Youtube or TheTwilightMusical(dot)com.

You might want to watch it before reading this chapter. Go to Youtube and type in Twilight Musical part 3a and WATCH IT. You will laugh.

I don't own Twilight. Which is probably a good thing, because if I did, they would be in so many embarrassing situations throughout the saga.

And I own the Twilight Musical.

And I don't own all languages.

And I don't own Monopoly :[ But that would be cool.

Em POV

This questioning was so fun.

"How many languages do you speak Edward?" Rosalie asked.

"Too many?" He replied, making it sound like a question.

Charlie looked impressed.

"Can you speak French?" He asked.

Edward smiled crookedly. "Bien sûr. Thats celui que je suis très couramment po." Show off.

Esme smiled. "He said 'Of course. That's one that I'm very fluent in.'."

Now Charlie looked smug. I think the next 30 minutes were going to be dedicated to finding a language Edward _didn't_ speak.

"Spanish?" He asked.

"Yo puedo hablar español con fluidez también." Edward sounded funny speaking Spanish!

"German?" Charlie asked, the smug smile wiped from his face.

Edward smirked. "Ich mag Deutsch. Es macht Spaß, die Worte auszusprechen."

Esme translated. "He said 'I really like German. It's fun to pronounce the words."

Can you speak Russian? I want to learn Russian. It seems really cool and powerful." Jacob said, wandering off into his own little dream world where he was cool and powerful. Edward laughed at my thoughts.

"Тогда мне придется научить вас когда-нибудь. Мне очень нравится русский тоже." What the heck?!

I guess Esme didn't know Russian, because no one was translating.

Edward had smugness vibes rolling off of him, even I could tell and I wasn't Jasper.

"I said 'I'll have to teach you sometime. I really like Russian too."

Charlie's eyebrows furrowed. "Italian." He uttered, in a challenging tone.

Edward grinned like the Cheshire cat. "One of my favorites. Let's have some fun...Mia madre è bellissima, mio padre un medico, Emmett è una testa Dork, Rosalie è un maialino testa, Jasper è emotiva, Alice è iper, e mia moglie e mia figlia sono bella e il centro della mia vita."

I gasped. I knew Italian. "I am_ not_ a dork head!

I decided to translate for everyone. "My mother is wonderful, my father is a doctor, Emmett is a dork head, Rosalie is a little pig headed, Jasper is emotional, Alice is hyper, and my wife and daughter are beautiful and the center of my life."

Jake butted in. "And where am I?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah, non possiamo dimenticare il mutt. E di Giacobbe è mia moglie e mia migliore amica della figlia che io tollerare."

I translated again. "Oh yeah, we can't forget the mutt. And Jacob is my wife and daughter's best friend whom I tolerate."

Jake pouted.

Charlie looked a little annoyed. "The 'mutt' wasn't called for."

Jacob replied with a smile. "Yeah, leech." Jake called us leeches, but now it was playful.

Charlie looked at Jake weird. "What?"

Edward glared at Jacob. "Oh, shut it pup."

"Will do, mosquito."

Edward stared for a second.

Then he burst out laughing.

"Mosquito?" He asked, still laughing. Jacob started blushing.

"I couldn't think of something else..." Edward just laughed.

"Okay, next question!" I yelled. The language question got carried away.

I called on Jacob. "Do you guys shower together?" He asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

I will now worship Jacob for the rest of my existence.

Bella started stuttering.

Edward's eyes widened. "Next question."

"But-"

"_Next question_._" _

Jacob's face fell. I'm pretty sure mine did too.

It was mine turn.

I wiggled my eyebrows like Jake. "What's your guy's favorite _position_?" I asked, adding a playful growl at the end.

Edward's jaw dropped to the floor, and Bella looked like she wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

"Emmett, there is no way on earth I'm dignifying that question with an answer." He said, glaring at me. Charlie had gone red in the face from embarrassment.

Bella gagged. "Emmett, that is disgusting and private."

Everyone was almost in hysterics. Except Charlie. He looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole and die too.

"Whoah there tiger! I was talking about baseball positions! Both of you get your minds out of the gutter!" I scolded them, smiling.

Bella's head dropped into her hands, and Edward pinched the bridge of his nose.

This day was too fun.

.~.~.~.~.~.

Half an hour later, Nessie was bored and wanted us to put on a play.

"I want you to show me when Momma met everyone else!" All she knew so far was that Bella had first seen us in the cafeteria.

Charlie smiled. It looked a little creepy. "That would be interesting.

I smiled. "Lets make it a musical! Rose, you be Jessica, and Alice will be Bella! Action!" I had already been planning this, and was just waiting for a chance to break it out.

Rose went and sat down at a chair, with a curly brown wig on. Alice sat down next to her with a long brown wig on. Well, they sure got ready fast.

Alice gave a weird look. "Who are they?" Pointing toward me, Edward, and Jasper.

Rosalie slammed the table with her fists and broke out in song.

"_They're the Cullen family, they're the coolest kids in school, is their father 'cause adoptive parents rule!" _Carlisle smiled.

"_Esme is their mother, she's married to the doc, consider her the Bo Peep of that cooky Cullen flock_!"

"_The kids all date each other! And Edward, he's the spare!"_

Everyone started laughing. Edward glared. "That's not funny." Everyone told him to be quiet.

"_They're not legally related, so I guess their folks don't care_!" Everyone laughed again.

"_It's weird that they wear jewelry, that bares the family crest, since they have different last names but I guess its for the best_!"

Charlie looked at our crests. Bella had gotten a charm bracelet with it, to match all of ours.

Rosalie stood up. "It's _Edward Emmett Alice Jasper Carlisle Esme Rosalie_!" She stood on the table and went to a higher pitch. "_It's Edward Emmett Alice Jasper Carlisle Esme Rosalie!"_

My angel pointed toward me. I was lifting weights with my arm for the play.

"_The big one there is Emmett, he loves ESPN, and often shouts out battle cries while training in the gym."_

"HUUH!" I shouted, smiling.

Rose flipped back her hair. "_Rosalie's the prettiest, but not without a price. Try asking her out politely, and see if she'll be nice, naa_." She grimaced.

"_Alice is so friendly, she talks and smiles all day, I'm surprised she has no friends but I'm guessing she cosplays_."

"Whee!" Alice squealed.

"_Jasper's a conundrum, he doesn't talk a lot, he just sits there and grimaces, but he's still pretty hot_." Jasper grimaced. Ha, just like the song…

"_It's Edward Emmett Alice Jasper Carlisle Esme Rosalie! Edward Emmett Alice Jasper Carlisle Esme Rosalie!"_

Rose went up and threw her arms around Edward's neck. Neither of them looked to happy about this part.

"_Don't waste your time with Edward, 'cause he's too hot for you!"_ Bella and Edward frowned.

"_Now, you, know, the, _Crazy Cullen Crew!" Rose shouted and slammed the table. She sat back down like normal.

Everyone was silent. Then Alice (or 'Bella') spoke up.

"Are you gonna finish your J-ello?"

Rosalie looked up at her seriously.

"Yes." As she took a fake bite of J-ello.

Here was my part! I had sprayed my hair an orangey brown and straightened it with Alice's help. Can you believe how fast Alice put this together?

I sat next to Rose (who was now Bella for some reason.) and set up the scene for biology.

"Hello. I don't know if I had the chance to introduce myself. I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella."

"How did you know to call me Bella?" She asked in a weird tone.

I raised my eyebrow, just like Edward.

"Do you prefer…Isabella?"

"No.

"Do you prefer…Bells?"

"No."

"Do you prefer…Izzy?"

"No."

"Do you prefer…Monique?"

Real Bella bursted out laughing. "M-monique? You _were_ kind of pushy like that."

The corners of Edward's lips turned up. "I was not."

"Was too."

"Was not."

"Was too."

"Was n-"

"Shut up, and lets continue!" Rose yelled.

She picked up a blue circle from our table. "…It's… circle."

I raised my eyebrow again. "Mind if I check?"

"No, go ahead."

I picked it up and stared at it intensely. After a few seconds I spoke. "It's circle."

Rose smirked. "Like I said."

I stared at her intensely.

"So… How you likin' da rain girl?" I said, very seriously. Real Bella busted out laughing again.

Charlie looked surprised. "Did you really say that?" He asked Edward.

"No! N-no, that was Mike!" Edward stuttered, getting defensive.

Rose responded to my question. "Not so much."

I lashed back at her. "You don't like the wet?!"

"No. Or the cold."

"So…if someone was, you say, 'cold to the touch', there would be no chance of you falling madly in love with him, isn't that right?"

Edward chuckled.

"Cold things can't feel love." Rose said sharply. I looked away as though I'd been slapped.

Real Bella looked at Edward. "Aww, is that what you were thinking?" Edward looked away, embarrassed. This day was going great.

Charlie looked confused. "I don't get it."

Edward shot a look at me, silently telling me to fix this.

"Uh, well Charlie, Edward's skin is kinda cold, 'cause he, uh, has a… condition! Yeah, a special condition where your skin is cold?" I stammered out. Edward was telling me through his eyes that he was going to crush my skull when he got the chance. I could tell.

Anger issues man!

He shot me another look. After decades living with this guy, I still forget that he can read minds.

I stood up and took a bow, while Rosalie and Alice curtsied.

"We'll show you the rest another day, Nessie."

I grinned evilly. "I think its about that time again…." Everyone looked at me funny.

"Emmett, what t-"

"What time is it, you ask? Why, Question Edward and Bella Time is back!" Bella and Edward groaned, mentally damning me to the fiery pits of hades.

Surprisingly, Charlie raised his hand.

"What are you, Edward?" Everyone's look got a little panicked. But then Charlie added something. "Hair wise, I mean. What category do you fit it? You have such an unusual shade…"

Edward stroked a piece of his hair, with a sorrowful expression.

"I have my mother's hair."

He thought about it for a second.

"I guess I'm a red head. I'm not a brunette and definitely not a blonde, and there's not really anything else."

I smiled a big smile. "Yeah, Edward's a ginger! Except he doesn't have freckles."

Edward glanced at me funny, like he was deciding whether or not to tell me something.

"I used to."

My jaw dropped.

"Really?!"

"Yeah. When I was a little kid."

Bella smiled. "That's so adorable." It looks like Q.E.B.T (Question Edward and Bella Time) has turned into L.T.A.E.W.H.W.L.K.T (Lets Talk About Edward When He Was a Little Kid Time).

Carlisle spoke up. "He also had a bit of a lisp." Oh. My. Carlisle. My father was evil! This was awesome!

Edward's eyes got large. "Carlisle, I did not."

"Quiet Edward. You don't remember." Wow, I liked this New Carlisle.

Edward shut his mouth.

And then it turned into L.Q.C.A.E.W.H.W.L.K.T (Lets Question Carlisle About Edward When He Was a Little Kid Time)

Bella asked first. "What was he like?"

"Well, he was skinny and frail, and Emmett got in trouble loads of times for playing too rough with him." He was lying through his teeth!

I gave Edward a noogie. "Yeah, my poor baby brother still can't take me." I smiled. He glared at me.

"Wanna bet?"

My face lit up. "A bet? Oh Eddie, you know not to get into a bet involving me."

He smiled just as evilly. "Oh, when will I learn. Jasper, with whom are you putting your money on?"

Jasper looked thoughtful for a moment. "$250 on Emmett." Edward gave him a sideways glance.

"Fine. Who else is in?"

Charlie looked like he had no idea what was going on. "Wait, in on what?"

Carlisle looked at him apologetically. "These three have a bit of a gambling problem. Remind me never to take them to Vegas."

"A gambling problem." Charlie echoed.

I had a random thought.

"Hey Edward, remember that time in 8th grade when you got so mad in Social Studies and walked out of the flipping building?" I said laughing. That had happened before, but it wasn't in 8th grade, because we looked too old to be in Junior High.

Jasper decided to play along. "Oh, yeah I remember that! The teacher was all 'blah blahedy blah' and you were all 'UGH I CANT TAKE THIS' and walked out of the room with everyone looking at you."

"Anger issues." I pretended to whisper to Bella.

"Enough, aren't we going to see if you can take me Emmett?" I ruffled his hair, as he swatted me away.

"Of course bro, but there are ladies present." And an extremely judgmental father-in-law, I added mentally.

He frowned. "Fine. Later."

Charlie looked back and forth between the two of us, probably doubting scrawny little Edward could beat my superhuman muscles.

"100 on Emmett." My angel said, smirking. Charlie didn't look very surprised.

"25 on Emmett." Jake said. Ha! What a measly amount.

"50 on Emmett." Wait, was that Carlisle?

We turned around to look at him, Edward glaring.

He looked down. "Sorry son." He said to Edward.

"300 on Edward." Bella said, smiling. It looked like her support for her husband overruled her dislike of spending large amounts of money.

Edward grinned at her. "_Thank_ you Bella.

Alice giggled. "100 on Edward."

A tiny bell-like voice chimed in. "I have 5,000 monopoly dollars and a Get Out of Jail Free Card on Daddy!" All of our heads turned toward the voice. Nessie was sitting cross-legged on the floor.

We started laughing at how adorable she was.

What made it even more funny was how serious she looked.

I grinned. "Well, he'll need that Get Out of Jail Free Card-" Oops, that was for later….

Edward looked at me funny, and I stared back at him, my eye twitching. He sighed and shook his head, obviously failing to read my jumbled thoughts. Later…

**A/N: Ooooooh, what is Emmett planning? Not something too evil, I hope.**

**So did you like this chapter? Didja? Huh? What was your favorite part? I liked all of the parts….and how do you think Charlie should be reacting? I've got some people saying he's OOC and I'm sorry D: I just have no idea how to write him. Tips and pointers are appreciated.**

**Annnnnnd, if you review, you should say 'Happy Late Birthday' to my best friend! Her birthday was on the 16****th****, and maybe your late present to her can be your reviews!**

**Happy birthday EmotionallyConfuzzled's best friend! (whose name I am not giving out) You have the most awesome best friend in the world, and don't forget it!**


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